It's been a long time since my last entry...always come to here when i need a place to pour out my blue feelings...i once tried to write in a notebook for that, but u know, mothers~so to safeguard my thoughts and opinions from various so-called "judges", this is it.
Speech difficulty, something i have been trying to overcome for years. I still couldn't do it. It feels so tired to talk, or to simply just chat. Even gossiping is agonizing, especially when my very self was also once a victim. I am just not a people- person. Squeezing out every single word requires utmost caution, in fear of saying the wrong thing to the wrong person at the wrong time or place. Is it because of a trauma from the past? Or is it simply my nature? Because of that, I am unable to make many friends.
Being as such, I am stuck in a profession that I have to talk every single day. To build network, to counsel or whatever it is. I worked so hard but I couldn't get any satisfaction from it. I become more and more lonely, in life, in work, in both my heart and soul...the only thing i can do is by drugging myself with materialism and petty imaginations that I am someone else but with a happier life. Everyday is a struggle, trying to make myself liked and acknowledged, forcing myself to be another person until eventually I have forgotten who I was, leaving only an empty shell. No dreams, no ambitions, no soul...just living each day like a routine, or a duty.
I am just too tired to live like this, I just want to keep my mouth shut.
