~Little Voices~

Wednesday, November 1, 2023

Friday, September 23, 2022

不要再强求

 对峙过后,又再是她呜呜咽咽谎话连篇的哭诉时间。你们可怜她,相信她有病也好无病也罢的谎言,那么当初我去寻死的时候,你们又是在哪里?

还有她讲的骗话可不是她提的那些。多少个她说她已经道歉(而且是不甘愿不认错的态度)之后的夜晚,我听着她在电话里的死性不改,胡乱编排我。还有电话也不是我打去的。在她这样对我之后,我实话实说,何错只有?反而为什么你们自己明明听着她编故事了,还要来赖我?

说再跟我道歉就再没有妈妈的威严。问题你不诚心改过,我也不会把你当母亲。对daddy也是一样的,当初乱开我玩笑,我也是明白要求道歉的。我敬重你,只会是因为你应该也值得敬重。总不能让我去敬重对我言语暴力要我死的人渣。

Saturday, May 7, 2022

我没有妈妈

 母亲节与我无关。我也很想, 但我一直克制着。 想跟那些每次见到我就问:“妈妈没有出来? ”“今年带妈妈去哪里玩?”“带妈妈去哪里吃?”的亲戚朋友&街坊店家邻居们说,不要再问我了。为了给我爸爸留面子, 每次只能避重就轻地回复。

连你们都看得明白我的付出但她一直在颠倒黑白的。以后这些东西问她的宝贝小儿子就好。她不是我妈妈, 我也不是她女儿。很久了, 只是迟钝的我到了三四年前才终于看到事实。我也知道你们不相信她真实的恶心人格。所以只要一日她不公开坦白她的恶行, 不管她做什么她本来就应该做的事情都不是对我的补偿道歉。爸爸,希望你明白,不要再硬要我委曲求全。只有她公开在亲戚朋友前承认她就是这么恶毒,让她以后不能再说谎,我才能继续假意迎合假和谐。更何况, 这本来就是她自己找来的。是她自己让一切无法再挽回的。

如果不是为了爸爸, 明天我根本不想和她出现在同一张餐桌上,包括和她的宝贝小儿子。

我买了屋子,要离这些毒物远远的。我想已经够清楚了。


Sunday, November 14, 2021

我要被逼疯了

 我要快点离开这里、快点快点快点。我受不了这些神经病了!尤其是那个洁癖症的,每天24小时嘴里吐出的,就是哪里有灰、为什么这边黏黏(根本就没有)、谁去过他房间(更加没有)。

Sunday, November 22, 2020

要逃很难

 Can i die? 终于实施逃离的第一步,但是真的真的好难。有时候,还是会回望另一个永远无法回头的选择。

我想,就算我搬出来。那些隐形的枷锁还是会牢牢地困住我而我一辈子都剪不开它们。被洗脑了几十年渗进骨里的奴性又是如何能靠近几年的觉醒去摆脱?

但是真的,不要再让我原谅了。对于那些因为她的谎言而对我存在误会的人。我只想说自我小时候到她两次病发所有的付出,你们可能无法想象那样的日子里给我带来怎样的阴影。至于那些不公平和委屈我是如此轻易地计较吗?若不是她的迫害,我又为什么现在才说出来。

难道她就可以摆着生我养我的架子践踏我吗?要说一句,如果当时她生病没有我的照顾,她也早没有命留下来皭舌根。然后她会说谎告诉你否认得有这回事。可是你们也见过她当时的样子,就知道我说的是否真实。我对她的照顾和牺牲,你们也是有眼见的。而我也是唯一一个带到她出国旅行享受的。最一开始带她去各种cafe吃的是我,带她去享受各种女孩pampering的是我,甚至砸我自己也不舍得花的钱带她去吃很贵的high tea 。。。而她永远只记得是她的宝贝儿子带她去吃cafe 。他们现在做的都是从前我一个人在做的。

试问一个当初听话到这么蠢的安静孩子,为何如今这样心灰意冷?还能是孩子的错么?如果我懒惰,那么前一阵子你们看到我努力学做饭是假的?她仅仅是为了用病,用其他的籍口来推卸,好让她可以天天从早到晚背部都不用伸直,不用坐不用站只是躺这样的理由,就可以恶意中伤,捏造事实来倒戈我,还让我去死。被自己的母亲这样攻击,你们真的忍心让我继续装聋作哑,给她欺凌?

我唯一的错就是太善良太孝顺。

Back here

 People were happily celebrating their 30th birthdays but me that day... Was struggling to kill myself. And i still feel it. 

Friday, November 28, 2014

I just want to keep my mouth shut

It's been a long time since my last entry...always come to here when i need a place to pour out my blue feelings...i once tried to write in a notebook for that, but u know, mothers~so to safeguard my thoughts and opinions from various so-called "judges", this is it.

Speech difficulty, something i have been trying to overcome for years. I still couldn't do it. It feels so tired to talk, or to simply just chat. Even gossiping is agonizing, especially when my very self was also once a victim. I am just not a people- person. Squeezing out every single word requires utmost caution, in fear of saying the wrong thing to the wrong person at the wrong time or place. Is it because of a trauma from the past? Or is it simply my nature? Because of that, I am unable to make many friends.

Being as such, I am stuck in a profession that I  have to talk every single day. To build network, to counsel or whatever it is. I worked so hard but I couldn't get any satisfaction from it. I become more and more lonely, in life, in work, in both my heart and soul...the only thing i can do is by drugging myself with materialism and petty imaginations that I am someone else but with a happier life. Everyday is a struggle, trying to make myself liked and acknowledged, forcing myself to be another person until eventually I have forgotten who I was, leaving only an empty shell. No dreams, no ambitions, no soul...just living each day like a routine, or a duty.

I am just too tired to live like this, I just want to keep my mouth shut.