I just want to keep my mouth shut

It's been a long time since my last entry...always come to here when i need a place to pour out my blue feelings...i once tried to write in a notebook for that, but u know, mothers~so to safeguard my thoughts and opinions from various so-called "judges", this is it.

Speech difficulty, something i have been trying to overcome for years. I still couldn't do it. It feels so tired to talk, or to simply just chat. Even gossiping is agonizing, especially when my very self was also once a victim. I am just not a people- person. Squeezing out every single word requires utmost caution, in fear of saying the wrong thing to the wrong person at the wrong time or place. Is it because of a trauma from the past? Or is it simply my nature? Because of that, I am unable to make many friends.

Being as such, I am stuck in a profession that I  have to talk every single day. To build network, to counsel or whatever it is. I worked so hard but I couldn't get any satisfaction from it. I become more and more lonely, in life, in work, in both my heart and soul...the only thing i can do is by drugging myself with materialism and petty imaginations that I am someone else but with a happier life. Everyday is a struggle, trying to make myself liked and acknowledged, forcing myself to be another person until eventually I have forgotten who I was, leaving only an empty shell. No dreams, no ambitions, no soul...just living each day like a routine, or a duty.

I am just too tired to live like this, I just want to keep my mouth shut.

Moving On~ Move Along

So FINALLY , after 4 years of study, I graduated (though this was a few months ago, should have write this blog earlier). Somehow, the excitement is only short-lived, ignited temporarily by the convocation ceremony -series of events. After that, the feelings are again, drowned by the too-long around 5 months break. I now become an idle and lazy person completely. Not that I haven't done anything at all, I did practice my driving skills (sorry my poor car for the new scratches), I did most, if not entirely all of the household chores, fetching my mum for lunch, shopping, traveling, revising pharmacy notes, remaking my travel log, reading and so on.

Why didn't I get myself a part-time job? I thought about it but I seriously don't know when I will get my posting and I have a responsibility to take care of my mum. Perhaps, the truth is, I'm still having social phobia even though that has improved a lot over my university years. Anyhow, now I'm seriously trying to make ends meet, barely living over my angpow money and occasional pocket money from my dad since my previous major income (jpa) has stopped sponsoring me. Good thing that I am a thrifty person and saved a lot of money back then. Otherwise, I would have been completely broke.

I really love to travel if possible. Over the holidays, I went to cameron highlands with my family, went to bangkok with my friends and a few hang-outs with old buddies. However, now that with a restrained budget, I have nowhere to go T.T. Meeting up with my old friends is also very difficult for me, mainly due to transport as my driving skills still needs further honing and I am quite an introvert person, it is not like I don't want to get close to people but I just don't know how to talk with people. Hopefully, I would not bring this to my work life and have a refreshing start.

Speaking of work, my coursemates and I wait and waited for so long ~ since July till now. Only just recently, we start receiving letters from SPA and LFM. Some of the unis will in fact, start their prp training tomorrow! It is confirmed that USM students will start our posting in December along with UM, so it is only 1 month left now. Couldn't say I'm excited to start working, fear will be more appropriate to describe my feelings since I have been detached from the drug world for so long and facing the unknown. Nevertheless, I try my best to study back as much as possible and read up new articles from Pharmacy Today. Most importantly, I will overcome my communication problem and practice critical thinking. For now, I can only pray that I can get my posting in my desired states ^^

New Sem, New Attitude

It is around a month ago that I struggled in the final exam...

After the exam, I start to think about a lot of things:

I have always been too much of a careful planner, I planned too much, wishing to finish everything well before its time. It could have been very good as works can be finished earlier with more time for other activities. However, not all are suitable with my methods, sometimes I become so pushy because I can not stand having things not going according to plan. This hurts a lot of people that I am working with which are actually very capable in their own manner, just they did not fit the pace of mine. Somehow, I feel that I should be more lenient, let things flow as there are, doing last-minute work is also OK. Perhaps everyone will be less strained including myself.

I also have been too frank and harsh with people. Even when the person did make mistakes, I shouldn't have critic the person with no point of turning around. Sometimes, it is just unfair to compare people amongst each other, even though they share similar criteria but nobody's perfect. We may all start at the same point but we do not reach the finishing line at the same time.

At the night after finishing exam and time to go home, I was feeling emotional all of the sudden. Since most coursemates already went home, I went out to have dinner myself. While dining alone, the loneliness struck me down, thinking that after all the hustle and bustle, what else is left? Where are those old days? Where are the people I used to share my life with? Then I remembered Yen Kee, a friend who is now living in the heavens.The last time when I met her face-to-face is when we are getting the RM200 at KOMTAR after SPM. She was still healthy, cheerful and a sweet girl as always but then I never see her again. What about the others? What if I never see them again too?  Therefore as soon as I get back, I tried to make gatherings...as many as possible.

I guess, sometimes we all need a moment, a moment to think about all the things in our lives....