我没有妈妈

 母亲节与我无关。我也很想， 但我一直克制着。 想跟那些每次见到我就问：“妈妈没有出来？ ”“今年带妈妈去哪里玩？”“带妈妈去哪里吃？”的亲戚朋友&街坊店家邻居们说，不要再问我了。为了给我爸爸留面子， 每次只能避重就轻地回复。

连你们都看得明白我的付出但她一直在颠倒黑白的。以后这些东西问她的宝贝小儿子就好。她不是我妈妈， 我也不是她女儿。很久了， 只是迟钝的我到了三四年前才终于看到事实。我也知道你们不相信她真实的恶心人格。所以只要一日她不公开坦白她的恶行， 不管她做什么她本来就应该做的事情都不是对我的补偿道歉。爸爸，希望你明白，不要再硬要我委曲求全。只有她公开在亲戚朋友前承认她就是这么恶毒，让她以后不能再说谎，我才能继续假意迎合假和谐。更何况， 这本来就是她自己找来的。是她自己让一切无法再挽回的。

如果不是为了爸爸， 明天我根本不想和她出现在同一张餐桌上，包括和她的宝贝小儿子。

我买了屋子，要离这些毒物远远的。我想已经够清楚了。

我要被逼疯了

 我要快点离开这里、快点快点快点。我受不了这些神经病了！尤其是那个洁癖症的，每天24小时嘴里吐出的，就是哪里有灰、为什么这边黏黏（根本就没有）、谁去过他房间（更加没有）。

要逃很难

 Can i die? 终于实施逃离的第一步，但是真的真的好难。有时候，还是会回望另一个永远无法回头的选择。

我想，就算我搬出来。那些隐形的枷锁还是会牢牢地困住我而我一辈子都剪不开它们。被洗脑了几十年渗进骨里的奴性又是如何能靠近几年的觉醒去摆脱？

但是真的，不要再让我原谅了。对于那些因为她的谎言而对我存在误会的人。我只想说自我小时候到她两次病发所有的付出，你们可能无法想象那样的日子里给我带来怎样的阴影。至于那些不公平和委屈我是如此轻易地计较吗？若不是她的迫害，我又为什么现在才说出来。

难道她就可以摆着生我养我的架子践踏我吗？要说一句，如果当时她生病没有我的照顾，她也早没有命留下来皭舌根。然后她会说谎告诉你否认得有这回事。可是你们也见过她当时的样子，就知道我说的是否真实。我对她的照顾和牺牲，你们也是有眼见的。而我也是唯一一个带到她出国旅行享受的。最一开始带她去各种cafe吃的是我，带她去享受各种女孩pampering的是我，甚至砸我自己也不舍得花的钱带她去吃很贵的high tea 。。。而她永远只记得是她的宝贝儿子带她去吃cafe 。他们现在做的都是从前我一个人在做的。

试问一个当初听话到这么蠢的安静孩子，为何如今这样心灰意冷？还能是孩子的错么？如果我懒惰，那么前一阵子你们看到我努力学做饭是假的？她仅仅是为了用病，用其他的籍口来推卸，好让她可以天天从早到晚背部都不用伸直，不用坐不用站只是躺这样的理由，就可以恶意中伤，捏造事实来倒戈我，还让我去死。被自己的母亲这样攻击，你们真的忍心让我继续装聋作哑，给她欺凌？

我唯一的错就是太善良太孝顺。

Back here

 People were happily celebrating their 30th birthdays but me that day... Was struggling to kill myself. And i still feel it. 

I just want to keep my mouth shut

It's been a long time since my last entry...always come to here when i need a place to pour out my blue feelings...i once tried to write in a notebook for that, but u know, mothers~so to safeguard my thoughts and opinions from various so-called "judges", this is it.

Speech difficulty, something i have been trying to overcome for years. I still couldn't do it. It feels so tired to talk, or to simply just chat. Even gossiping is agonizing, especially when my very self was also once a victim. I am just not a people- person. Squeezing out every single word requires utmost caution, in fear of saying the wrong thing to the wrong person at the wrong time or place. Is it because of a trauma from the past? Or is it simply my nature? Because of that, I am unable to make many friends.

Being as such, I am stuck in a profession that I  have to talk every single day. To build network, to counsel or whatever it is. I worked so hard but I couldn't get any satisfaction from it. I become more and more lonely, in life, in work, in both my heart and soul...the only thing i can do is by drugging myself with materialism and petty imaginations that I am someone else but with a happier life. Everyday is a struggle, trying to make myself liked and acknowledged, forcing myself to be another person until eventually I have forgotten who I was, leaving only an empty shell. No dreams, no ambitions, no soul...just living each day like a routine, or a duty.

I am just too tired to live like this, I just want to keep my mouth shut.

Moving On~ Move Along

So FINALLY , after 4 years of study, I graduated (though this was a few months ago, should have write this blog earlier). Somehow, the excitement is only short-lived, ignited temporarily by the convocation ceremony -series of events. After that, the feelings are again, drowned by the too-long around 5 months break. I now become an idle and lazy person completely. Not that I haven't done anything at all, I did practice my driving skills (sorry my poor car for the new scratches), I did most, if not entirely all of the household chores, fetching my mum for lunch, shopping, traveling, revising pharmacy notes, remaking my travel log, reading and so on.

Why didn't I get myself a part-time job? I thought about it but I seriously don't know when I will get my posting and I have a responsibility to take care of my mum. Perhaps, the truth is, I'm still having social phobia even though that has improved a lot over my university years. Anyhow, now I'm seriously trying to make ends meet, barely living over my angpow money and occasional pocket money from my dad since my previous major income (jpa) has stopped sponsoring me. Good thing that I am a thrifty person and saved a lot of money back then. Otherwise, I would have been completely broke.

I really love to travel if possible. Over the holidays, I went to cameron highlands with my family, went to bangkok with my friends and a few hang-outs with old buddies. However, now that with a restrained budget, I have nowhere to go T.T. Meeting up with my old friends is also very difficult for me, mainly due to transport as my driving skills still needs further honing and I am quite an introvert person, it is not like I don't want to get close to people but I just don't know how to talk with people. Hopefully, I would not bring this to my work life and have a refreshing start.

Speaking of work, my coursemates and I wait and waited for so long ~ since July till now. Only just recently, we start receiving letters from SPA and LFM. Some of the unis will in fact, start their prp training tomorrow! It is confirmed that USM students will start our posting in December along with UM, so it is only 1 month left now. Couldn't say I'm excited to start working, fear will be more appropriate to describe my feelings since I have been detached from the drug world for so long and facing the unknown. Nevertheless, I try my best to study back as much as possible and read up new articles from Pharmacy Today. Most importantly, I will overcome my communication problem and practice critical thinking. For now, I can only pray that I can get my posting in my desired states ^^

声声‘曼’~One Night in Bangkok~ (下）

第四章节

水上·火车·佛寺---文化诞生

早上我们早早跟团坐了一个小时半的货车，终于来到郊外闻名的火车路市集。Maeklong铁道市集卖的东西就像一般早市：卖菜、鱼、糕、水果等。神奇的地方就在于摊位都是在真正有火车使用的铁道旁营业。火车要到时，小贩们立即把靠近铁道的东西收进来，也收起了遮阳的帆布，唯独水果照样放在前面。

*9.40am会有一辆火车来。一听到报告，请就定位拍照。

 

火车在不到几厘米的脸前掠过，也刚好驶过水果的上面。之后不 消五秒钟的时间，一切又恢复正常。我们都很准时回去货车等司机，倒是有一对洋夫妇迟了20分钟，一上车就被訐譙。

 

当路过一个渔贩时，刚好他在砍鱼，那鱼血溅到我们一伙身上。好在我穿着红衣深裤，也瞧不出什么，只可怜穿着黑白衣的佩盈得拼命擦拭了。

Damnoen Saduak 水上市场也是另一个泰国华侨聚集地。水上交易是当地的特点。在那里坐了船，也买了印有照片的瓷盘纪念品。虽然知道是被敲竹杠，不过也懒理了。

 划桨船服务：一人150铢。河边纪念品很贵，若真要买，起码杀价50%（最低限度）。

 买了薄饼 （popiah)吃

在船上勿撑伞 （会挡住船家视线，也阻碍其他乘客），向船家借帽子即可。

当我们匆匆赶回来，只随便处理了午餐，就去卧佛寺 （Wat Pho）了。里头的卧佛真的很大。我们过后乘船去对岸的郑王庙/黎明寺 （Wat Arun）。 码头附近有店家出售明信片 （30-40铢已可买到6-12张）。郑王庙其中的大塔有阶梯供游客攀爬，在塔上可以眺望湄南河。

卧佛寺内需穿有袖子的上衣和长裤或长裙，袜子无需。

从 Tha Tien 码头，一个人只需要3铢，就可越河到郑王庙。

 这些阶梯可不是盖的，个个陡峭恐怖。

之前在chatuchak由于时间限制，总觉得衣服买不够多，所以又去Khaosan Road 逛逛了。其中一端的路有卖许多小吃。

 甜到爆的小吃

 Sawadeeka!

今天按摩头、背和肩膀。这家功夫较好，有弄到穴道。

第五章节

真真假假

屈指一数，已经是旅程的尾声，但是还是觉得衣服买的不够所以一早还是去了Pratunam（水门市集）血拼。Pratunam 其实是一个很大的区域。那里讨价还价没用，要便宜？买多就可得到批发价， 因此可以和朋友商量合买。

之后匆忙地想赶去Siam Discovery Mall的杜莎夫人蜡像馆，谁知冒出了两辆Tuk-tuk以20铢一程拉客。但再度的，我们上了贼船。上车后，司机才说要我们进去某些店看一会儿，不用买东西，拿到固本给他买汽油。（怎么可能不用买东西，根本就是讨佣金。）

 第一间店居然就停在Armani!结果挨不到5分钟就被撵出来了。可是司机还是不死心，带我们到一家纪念品店+珠宝店，这次要看10分钟。我们宝贵的时间就这么白白浪费了。最后我还是买了个snow globe充充数，蒙司机我们买了珠宝，才免费带我们到目的地。

大象！

在经历了Tuk-tuk的历险后，咱们来到预先订票的杜莎夫人蜡像馆。里头出了许多宛如真人的名人蜡像，更有许多互动游戏可以亲身参与。其中Nicole Kidman的蜡像实在美爆！

 毕加索

邓丽君

有些设有辅助场景和道具，例如：奥巴马的办公室。

 好看吗？

老马也在

因为先前时间已被拖延，回来时我们只好放弃午餐直奔大皇宫。大皇宫的门票较贵，但通常包括了其他地方的入门费。那天我们压根儿不知道这里也有服装限制，几乎全军都放订金，借长布/长裤来穿。及膝的裙子是被接受的。从草坪可以看见金光灿灿的建筑群。

 里头有些小寺内部和玉佛寺内不可拍照或摄影。

 由于时间有限，我们来不及参观完整个大皇宫。

我们之前透过Erawan Traveling Agency订了Calypso Ladyboy Show。听说是新的表演而且没有像Tiger show/ ping-pong show 的‘不干净’成分。我们的配套是大约850铢（忘了记下价钱）加一杯免费的饮料， 不包括交通。每晚只有两场 （8.15pm和9.45pm）。

 Calypso人妖秀位于Asiatique河畔广场夜市内，以百老汇歌舞秀方式演出。我们是坐船前去 （又坐船！晕）。

 Asiatique

 Koh-Kae!

 这场其中一个人妖舞者居然露点了，当时超兴奋的叫朋友快看。哈哈！不过过后谢场时有调整好了。

  美丽的人妖

 一部分战利品

*photos credits to shireen yean